I am at peace tonight. I was feeling guilt and anger at myself for wanting something definitive to happen with mom. It looks as if we will be leaving the hospital this week. I am thankful and frightened. I would lay odds mom will slip back into her ‘strong as an ox able to do almost whatever she wants’ mode when we get back to Kenai. I don’t like this, but I am going to not let those actions control me. I will take care of her as much as she will allow and if she wants more than I can give, I won’t. She often guilts me into doing just that. I met a Chaplain today who helped me realise I am a blessing as much as my mom is. This was hard for me to wrap my brain around. Giving is what I do. Waiting is what I do. Making sure I am not important is what I do. I sit, at this moment, watching mum stir restlessly under the influence of drugs which don’t appear to be working much, and know I am at peace.
I also need to get some sleep!